JOKES

Clinton and the Beer Cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There's one thing
I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in
it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her
and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars
in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are
for all the times I've cheated on you."



Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a
politician and traveling and all."



She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5
million dollars?"



Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the
cans in."







American in Mexico



There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking
around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'



The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the
only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him
stop."



The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog.
The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."



Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and
says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"











Mmmmmmmmmm...

How is a soyburger like a dildo?



They''re both substitutes for meat.







Holiday Feast

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo
artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on
one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."



The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady,
I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey
on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"



"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of
my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."






Park Politics

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws
the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are *ssholes."



A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to
that!"



The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"



"No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole."



 

Holy Shot!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his
boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.



Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going
to let him get away with this?''



''No, I guess not,'' says God.



The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone
he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first
swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.



Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''



To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''



 

Diver Meets Guy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.



The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The
diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.



This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote,
"Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"



The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'm drowning, you moron!"







Desert Island Rescue

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a
beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."



Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"



Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the
arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.



Man: "Oh thank you so much!"



Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"



Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet
suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.



Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"



Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long
has it been since you played around?"



Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"








An APB on God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous.



The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident
that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved
in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about
their sons' behavior.



The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give
it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old
was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him
sternly, "Where is God?"



The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?"



Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"



At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in
his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"



The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing
and they think we did it!"







Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early
and went to the local church.



Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.



Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"



The man replied, "Yep, sure do."



Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"



"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.



Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"




The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."







Who Runs the Human Body?



In the human body, which organ is in charge?



All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in
charge.



The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so
without me nothing would happen."



"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate
oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all
of you energy."



"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste
removal."



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the
stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave
in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.



The moral of the story?



You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.







Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.



''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured
he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be
better in two weeks."



Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could
be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and
printed out the following message:



"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him
vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if
you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."













Evidence of Early Political Humor

How many Whigs does it take to light an oil lamp?



One, and that person shall be President Andrew Jackson, hero of the Battle of
New Orleans and Friend to the Common Man!







Trivial Pursuit

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.



"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my
wife, and every night she beats me."



"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.



"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."



The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."



"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."









The Treason of Illumination

Q: How many bleached-blonde, boney, right-wing, political pundits who resemble
transvestites does it take to screw in a light bulb?



A: Just the one.







Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and
hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.



The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."



The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,
for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old
lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady
then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my
lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
president.



That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.



The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."




Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today,
I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."







Blonde and Picture

Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?



A: So she could use it as a mirror.







Mickey, Minnie and Goofy

One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't there. He went to look for her
and, as he stepped outside, he saw "Mickey Sucks!" written out in a yellow
liquid in the snow. He investigated and realized there was good news and bad
news.



It appeared to be Goofy's urine, but Minnie's handwriting.





Get Away From my Deer!

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles, "I'm going
hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to
take her along.



They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand
and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running
back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face
knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.



But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards
his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!"
followed by another volley of gunfire.



Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says,
"Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"








Johnny Big Head

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school
say I have a big head."



His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."







Third Opinion

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson
says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''



Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are
numbered.''



Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless,
spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''







Three Drunk Men

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got
at a party the night before.



The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew
chunks.''''



The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I got my DWI.''''



The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''



Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my
dog!"








Senile... Like a FOX!

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he''''d been sitting on a park bench.



He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Hillary Clinton."



The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside
here."



The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.



The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same
Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".



The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not
President and doesn''''t reside here."



The man thanked him and again walked away .



The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."



The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs.
Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the
President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you understand?"



The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your
answer!"



The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.